


Parenting War

by rosealie



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Parenthood, cuteness, fake parents, real parents, skaters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 19:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosealie/pseuds/rosealie
Summary: Victor and Yuri, ever the pair to fight, decide that they need to prove that they are better parents than the other. Sleep deprivation ensues.





	Parenting War

**Author's Note:**

> Hi lovely people! This is my first YOI fanfic, so please be nice! I'm doing this instead of studying for my finals...But what can you do, I suppose! I got this idea a month and a half ago when I saw some people carrying around robotic babies for a health class or something. This is the result of that.

Yuuri opened the door to their apartment in early May and was immediately assaulted by Makkachin. “Makka!” Yuuri laughed as the dog pounced on him. Makkachin licked Yuuri’s face, causing the skater to laugh. He shut the door behind him and set his duffle bag down near the entrance. He toed his shoes off and hung his coat on their coat rack. “Victor?!” Yuuri called, pushing the energetic dog off of him.

He walked into the kitchen where they had company. “Oh, hello Yuri! Otabek, it’s nice to see you!” Yuri scoffed and turned his head while Otabek gave him a soft nod. “Victor, why didn’t you tell me we had company?” Yuuri berated his fiancé. Victor just shrugged, opening his arms to hug Yuuri tight.

“Gross!” Yuri whined, and Otabek shifted his gaze to Yuri. “What, it is!” Yuri insisted to Otabek, who just shrugged and turned back to the pair.

“You’ll understand when you’re in love, Yurio!” Victor said, kissing Yuuri before letting his fiancé go. Yuri glared at Victor, but Victor ignored him. Yuuri went upstairs, leaving the trio to their chatter while he went to take a shower. When he returned, Victor and Yuri were in an intense conversation.

“Yura, perhaps you should drop it…” Otabek pleaded. Yuri wasn’t having it.

“No, Beka!” Yurio insisted, turning back to Victor. “We’d be better parents than you any day, Victor!”

“What’s going on here?” Yuuri asked, shaking the last of the water from his head with a towel.

“Nothing, Yuuri!” Victor asserted, but Yurio turned and gave Yuuri a harsh glare, something the 24 year old was used to due to living in Saint Petersburg for the past few months and interacting with the 16 year old almost every day.

“This idiot thinks that you two are better parents than Otabek and I would ever be!”

“Are you and Otabek dating?” Yuuri asked, curious. The pair had been tip-toeing around each other since the Grand Prix Final half-a-year ago. Yurio snapped his mouth shut. “Come on, you can’t be good parents if you aren’t together,” Yuuri teased.

Yurio growled and stormed away. Otabek stared after him, then shook his head. “We are together. Yura is just embarrassed because he’s so much younger compared to me,” Otabek explains. His explanation is short, terse, but not unkind, much like the man himself. Yuuri smiled at him.

He liked Otabek, despite the lack of conversation offered by the Kazakh. “Don’t hurt our son, Otabek,” Victor said, pulling Yuuri close.

“I’M NOT YOUR SON!” An angry voice shouted from their living room. Yuuri smirked and Victor laughed. Otabek gave a soft smile, so fast that if you blinked, you missed it. “BEKA, WE’RE LEAVING!!!” Otabek gave the pair a nod of his head, standing up and moving out of their kitchen. Victor saw them out while Yuuri busied himself by beginning dinner.

“So, Yuuri,” Victor began when he returned from locking the front door. Makka sat in the kitchen, near his bowls. Victor fed him while Yuuri cut the vegetables for the stirfry. “Do you think Yurio was right? Would he be a better parent than us, his parents?”

“Victor, we aren’t his parents,” Yuuri deadpanned, but Victor laughed, wrapping himself around Yuuri as he cooked.

“I know, but we act like his dads sometimes. We even have those shirts, remember?!” Yuuri laughed when he remembered the shirts that Victor bought as a joke. They wore them at Four Continents in support of Yurio. They read  _ Proud Parents of a kid whose sometimes an asshole _ which was very true of Yurio.

“Yes, but that doesn’t make us his parents. And I don’t think we’re ready to have a kid yet, Victor. Let alone those two. What even brought that topic up?”

“Yuri was telling me about some girls walking past talking about a health class they were taking. He got interested and researched it and found out that many high school health classes make their students have a baby for the weekend. He then told me that he would get an ‘A’ on the project if his partner was Otabek. And then he proceeded to tell me that I would be a terrible parent, even if you were there.”

“So then you guys started to fight and that’s when I walked in, right?” Yuuri asked, turning the stove off. “Get some plates, please,” Yuuri said, gathering serving utensils and setting the island. “Actually, that sounds rather challenging. I doubt Yurio and Otabek would be able to manage it, especially since Otabek is only in town for a few more weeks.”

“I know, right. But Yurio seemed hell-bent on proving that he would be a perfect parent. Otabek didn’t say anything, really.”

“I don’t know if  _ we _ would be good at that, Victor. And we’ve been together since the Cup of China! That was almost ten months ago!”

“Hm…true…” Victor hummed, tucking into his food, his other hand resting on Yuuri’s thigh. After they were done eating and cleaning up, Victor turned from the sink to face Yuuri and perked up. “What were you working on that you couldn’t have your coach at the rink!”

“It was your day off, Victor! You’ve been working insanely hard and it wouldn’t be fair to have you get up and spend the entire day on the ice, not practicing. I know it killed you last year, so I wanted you to have the day off, away from skating.”

“But Yuuriiiii!” Victor whined moving to drape himself over Yuuri. “Tell meeee!”

“I just had Yakov help me with my free program, that’s all. But you weren’t to come at any costs, so I had everyone not practicing distract you.”

“That’s not fair, Yuuri!”

“You would have done the same, Victor. In fact, you  _ have _ done the same in the past.”

“That’s not the point. Why are you making your coach not help youuuu?”

“Vitya…” Yuuri sighed, turning in Victor’s arms to hug him. “It was just for today. So you could get rest. I wanted you to have fun.”

“Yuuri, you’re the only person I can have fun with!” They curled up on the couch together, Makka coming to rest at their feet. “Plus, I just want to see you succeed.”

“If it makes you that happy, Victor, you can join me next time you have a day off.”

“Yay~!”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“Who does Victor think he is?!” Yuri snarled, pacing around his living room. “That moron. Better parents than us. Is he stupid?” Otabek sat on the couch, one arm slung across the back, watching his boyfriend stalk across the living room before stalking back again.

“Yura, calm down, please,” Otabek asked after twenty minutes of Yuri’s pacing and muttering to himself. “Sit with me,” he requested, but the young Russian whirled around, glaring at his boyfriend.

“Beka, I can’t calm down! We just can’t let them win like that!”

“Win? Win what, Yuri?”

“That argument! I can’t believe Victor thinks he and Yuuri would be better parents than we would, Beka. Why aren’t you more upset right now! They insulted our honor!”

“Yura, don’t you think you’re overreacting just a bit?” Beka asked as he grabbed Yuri’s wrist. He pulled Yuri down beside him. “Forget about it for tonight, please. Let’s enjoy what little time I have left here, yes?” Yuri sighed, nodding before curling into Otabek’s side.

“I’m not going to forget this,” Yuri insisted, and Otabek smothered a chuckle.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Yura.” They fall asleep on the couch like that, while Yuri’s cat wedged her way in between them.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The next few days at the rink passed without any upsets. Phichit, Leo, Guang-Hong and Chris had flown out with their coaches, along with Emil and Sara and Mikey. It was like a big reunion. Yuri continued to act like the angry teenager he was, but in reality, he was quite happy that they were all together.

Yakov was just as angry as ever. It wouldn’t feel right if he wasn’t. Victor and Yuuri kept sneaking off when they thought no one was looking. Yuri was grossed out and frequently called them on it.

If it weren't for Otabek, Yuri would be much more violent, but Otabek helped calm him down. Most of the time it was just a quick thumbs up as he skated by, or a nod of the head. But sometimes, when Yuri was  _ especially  _ heated, Otabek would approach and whisper a soft  _ “Yura” _ and Yuri would calm down.

The relationship between the two did not go unnoticed.

Yakov gave Yuri a lecture about not giving up his skating for love, like Victor, to which the aforementioned skater pouted and hung onto Yuuri, whining about how mean Yakov was. 

Phichit and Chris would skate past, singing  _ “Otabek and Yuri sitting in a tree!” _ to which Yuri would snarl at them and Otabek would glare.

Mila and Sara would make kissy faces at the two, while Emil and Mikey laughed at them. Leo and Guang-Hong would wriggle their eyebrows at the pair anytime the two caught Otabek and Yuri talking. Georgi didn’t do much besides give a loud sigh every time he saw them together.

Yuri saw Yuuri talking with Otabek during a water break. It seemed innocent at first, until Yuuri said something with a smile that caused Otabek’s eyes to widen in fear and Otabek to say something quickly before skating off.

Victor and Yuuri laughed and high-fived each other afterwards. When Yuri tried to ask what it was about, Otabek wouldn’t answer. Yuri was ready to murder everyone by the end of day one.

The next day, when Phichit and Chris skated past him singing, Yuri snapped at them. “Chris, you’re 26. Phichit, you’re 21. Fucking act like it!”

To which the pair continued to sing the song, laughing and high-fiving before getting yelled at by their coaches. Yuri almost felt vindicated. Almost.

Otabek and Yuri skated around, giving each other pointers and such on their jumps and step sequences. The large amount of skaters on the ice made it difficult for them to practice all together, so the Russians (Yuuri included) and Otabek got to skate and then the others got practice.

“Yurio, come here!” Victor called as the groups transitioned. Otabek and Yuri said their short farewells while the angry Russian teenager stormed toward Yuuri and Victor. “Yurio!”

“THAT’S NOT MY NAME, MORON!!” Yuri screamed, causing everyone who heard him to laugh. “What do you want, old man?”

“Hey! I’m not old!” Victor whined, looking to Yuuri for support.

“Your hair is getting thinner,” Yuuri teased, and Victor almost started sobbing.

“Yuuri, you’re so meaaan!” Yuri snarled and stomped his foot, like a six year old demanding attention. “Oh, right. Yurio, do you know what happens when two people love each other?” Yuri didn’t like where this was going. His eyes widened and he turned to Katsudon for support, but he looked just as serious as Victor. Yuri didn’t answer and swallowed in fear.

“Oh, Yurio! You’re lucky that your dads care so much about you! So, when two people love each other, or even love the way they look, they want to have sex.” Yuri was furious. “Do you know what safe sex is, Yurio?” Victor doesn’t stop, so Yuri can’t protest. “Wait, how can you? No one’s taught you!” Victor started to laugh, so Yuuri cut in.

“As Victor was saying, Yurio, safe sex isn’t just using condoms and lube. It’s communicating together about your wants and needs and desires…hm? Yurio? Why are you turning red?” Yuuri’s eyes were more mischievous than Yuri had ever seen them ever before. “Anyways, it’s very important for you and Otabek to use condoms and lube, to be safe and all of that, but to also talk about what you want from your sexual relationship.”

Yuri was astonished. He never imagined that Katsudon would be so forward about sex, given his shy nature. For heaven’s sake, he couldn’t even identify what  _ eros _ was to him last year. And now this? Victor must have corrupted poor Katsudon beyond recognition. “Okay, Yurio? It’s best if you and Otabek are open and if you have sex, be safe about it. Or we will personally hunt Otabek down and castrate him, okay?” Victor said, his tone cheerful but his words terrifying.

“Do you understand, Yuri?” Katsudon reiterated at Yuri’s stunned silence. Victor and Yuuri started to walk away, holding hands and being overall lovey-dovey and gross. Otabek came up to him, tugging on his hand to get Yuri’s attention, but Yuri was still too pissed at Victor and Katsudon to pay any attention to anything other than his rage.

“Oi, assholes!” Yuri shouted, gathering everyone’s attention. He got a disapproving stare from Beka, various angry murmurs from Yakov, Lilia, and the other coaches, laughter from the pair walking away, and silence from the rest of his skater friends. “I don’t need advice from you! Some parents you are!”

Victor turned his head, his eyes filled with challenge and some other emotions that Yuri couldn’t identify. It gave him a very smug look. “Yuuri and I are better parents than you would ever be, Yurio!”

“I’ll take that bet, any time you’re ready to admit defeat!” Yuri shouted back, causing confusion to reign in the rink as Yuri clenched his fists, Otabek tried to calm him, and Yuuri and Victor walked away until lunch.

A few hours later, everyone got on the ice, but it was more of a thing for fun. Their coaches realized that the skaters needed some fun (it was mostly Victor’s doing) and allowed them free reign of the rink. Yuri challenged Otabek to a spin-off, while Emil and Mikey fought over who could skate with Sara. Mila snuck past the pair and she and Sara started to skate with each other.

Phichit and Yuuri raced each other around the rink, laughing. Victor was talking with Chris at the edge of the rink while Leo and Guang-Hong practiced smaller jumps in the middle of the rink. Everyone seemed happy.

Until  _ he  _ showed up. “It’s JJ Style!!” Everyone stopped. A pin could drop and everyone would hear it. Yuri and Otabek’s heads snapped towards the obnoxious voice. Victor and Yuuri glared at the Canadian skater.

“What do you want, JJ?” Victor asked, his voice exasperated and  his eyes narrowed and angry.

“Yeah! Who invited Asshole!?” Yuri shouted from the sidelines, but Otabek’s hand on his arm prevented him from running up to the man and killing him, like Yuri wanted to.

“What?” JJ teased, his voice loud and grating, as per usual. Yuri  _ really _ wanted to kill him. “I thought everyone would be more excited to see me!” No one responded. “Ah, what a shame! I came here to prove to you once and for all that I am the  _ King _ of Skating!”

“Nah, if that’s anyone, it’s be me!” Yuri said, his tone level and cold. “I mean, who won gold at the Grand Prix Final in his senior debut  _ and _ broke  _ Victor Nikiforov’s _ world record for the Short Program? That would be me!”

“I disagree!” Victor said from the sidelines. “I mean, who was last place in Sochi and managed to break  _ my _ world record for the Free Program with a composition that perfectly suited him and placed second? That would be my Yuuri! And you only beat him by .12 points, Yurio. If Yuuri had scored slightly higher in the Short Program, you wouldn’t be so confident.”

“I disagree,” Otabek’s warm, honey-like voice speaks. “Yuri was  _ way _ better than Yuuri was.”

“No!” Phichit spoke up, skating forwards to grab Yuuri by the arm. “Yuuri was perfect! If he hadn’t changed his jump composition in the Short Program, he would have beaten Yurio’s record, I’m sure!”

“Ha, not a chance!” Yakov snapped. Soon, it descended into madness, with everyone either defending Yuri or Yuuri.

“Wait!” JJ’s voice cut across the fray. “Can we at least agree that the King of Skating is myself?”

“No!” Everyone shouted.

“Yuuri? Nothing to say?” Victor asked when he noticed that Yuuri was being awfully quiet.

“I just want everyone to shut up so we can beat JJ once and for all. Maybe then he’ll stop annoying us.”

“Hmm…Everyone, I propose a challenge!” That shut  _ everyone _ up. “We will skate our Free Programs again tomorrow. Our coaches will be the judges. Whoever places first is the official new King of Skating!” Everyone murmured, and JJ started to laugh.

“Perfect! I’ll crush all of you! It’s JJ Style!”

Everyone rolled their eyes and skated away from him. “So, Yuuri!” Phichit said, grabbing his friend’s hands. “What did Yurio mean when he shouted ‘I’ll take that bet, any time you’re ready to admit defeat!’?”

“Oh, that?” Yuuri said, a shy smile gracing his features. “Victor and Yurio got into a fight a few days ago about who would be better parents: Victor and myself, or Yurio and Otabek.”

“And how would you go about proving that?”

“Yurio brought it up by mentioning this baby doll thing that analyzes what parents do in order to be ‘good parents’ in a health class that some girls on a street were talking about. He then challenged Victor and that’s kind of what’s been happening since then.”

“Wow, really? You guys would totally kill that challenge!” Yuuri looked confused, so Phichit clarified. “You would rock it! Victuuri would totally win that challenge!”

“Victory? Huh?”

“Oh, it’s your ship name!”

“Our what?”

“Oh Yuuri, you really are clueless!”

Meanwhile, Yuri was explaining himself to Mila in much the same way Yuuri was explaining himself to Phichit. “So the gist of it is…you and Otabek want to prove that you’re better parents than Victor and Yuuri?”

“That sums it up, hag,” Yuri said, picking at his fingernails.

“So why don’t you?!” She cried, looking at where Phichit and Yuuri were talking. “Come on, we’re going to announce this to the world!” She sang as she skated away from Yuri faster than he could process what was happening.

“There’s no way you could get that to happen, Mila!”

“Don’t underestimate the power of love, Yurio!” Georgi butt in, causing Yuri to go off on him and Otabek to intervene before Yuri got arrested for murder. After a chaotic flurry of activity, everyone got off the ice. Practice was over for the day. Everyone was tired and sore and ready to go home and sleep.

Except…

“Oi!” Yurio snapped at Victor. The skaters all stopped, eager to see what was going to happen. “This stupid parenting thing has gotten everyone freaked out. Just admit defeat!”

“Hm…nope!” Victor said, then turned back around.

“Victor, perhaps Yurio is right,” Yuuri pleaded. “Don’t drag this out. They could very well be good parents, Victor. We won’t know. Let’s just let them nurture their relationship.”

“No, Yuuri! This hasn’t gone on long enough!”

“Baldy, shut up!” Yurio and Victor got into another fight.

“Enough!” Lilia shouted, her tone harsh and her eyes narrowed. “What is this about?” She asked as most of the coaches murmured their agreement at the needless bickering. It was bad enough that JJ had showed up and demanded a skate-off. Now they had squabbling between groups. Enough was enough.

“Well, ehm…you see…” Five time world champion gold medalist Victor Nikiforov’s confidence had disappeared. There was a first time for everything.

However, Yuuri’s hadn’t. “Yurio and Victor have been fighting about which couple would be better parents: Yuri and Otabek or myself and Victor. That’s it.”

“And how on Earth would you prove this? It’s a pointless argument and it creates ugliness.”

“Well, it’s actually possible for them to prove it, Ms. Baranovskaya,” Phichit spoke up, pulling something up on his phone. “There are these baby dolls that you can rent from this company that gives you a report after a set amount of time. So…it’s…possible,” Phichit finished in a quiet voice, the glare he was receiving from Lilia terrifying the young Thai skater, unused to such a stare.

“And what would this do for them? The losing couple would be crushed and become distracted from skating. How is this productive?”

“Ah, Lilia, let the kids be kids,” Yakov said, stepping forward. “They can do this if they beat JJ tomorrow!” He declared, bringing cheers from the skaters and a huff from JJ. But this led to another problem that the coaches (excluding Victor) were soon to realize.

“No, Victuuri will win! It’s all in the name!”

“No way, Phichit!” Mila said, grabbing Yurio in a headlock. “Otayuri is totally going to win!” And thus the fighting began anew, but this time everyone was fighting over who would be better parents, not if they should actually try to be parents. The coaches were shocked but decided to let them be. If it would get them fired up for tomorrow, so be it.

The next day, JJ went first, the coaches acting as judges. He performed spectacularly well in his Free Program. After the performance was over, he got his scores. 212.43. Now, the rules were that  _ anyone  _ could beat JJ’s score and it would work. So, it wasn’t too worrisome that he score that well.

Phichit went next and he skated a beautiful program, but he didn’t score higher than JJ. His score was 198.23. A good score, considering that he could only do one quad. Chris went next. He fell once, bringing down his technical score, but he still scored higher than Phichit. 208.78. Not close enough to JJ’s. Otabek went after Chris. He scored higher than Chris, but lower than JJ. 210.21. Close, but no cigar.

Yuuri went afterwards. He skated his heart out. Since it wasn’t in front of hundreds of thousands of people, he skated even better. He didn’t flub a jump, he landed his quad flip, he skated the same exact program he skated for the GPF in Barcelona. Would he win? “Yuuri’s score!” Yakov said, a dramatic pause for effect. “222.56! He just beat his own world record!” Victor hugged Yuuri tight, laughter and tears falling.

“Well, Yuuri is the King of Skating! It’s official!”

“Oi, baldy! I haven’t gone yet!” Yurio shouted, skating to the middle of the rink. He began, and everyone was focused on him. Yurio had gone through a growth spurt a couple weeks ago, so his movements were still choppy and not as fluid as before, but he does well, all things considering. When Yurio finished, he fell to the ice, panting harshly. It was much more intense than he remembered it to be.

“Yuri’s scores are up!” Celestino called, causing everyone to look at him. “222.56! A tie between Yuuri and Yuri!” Yurio and Yuuri stared at each other, shock pouring into their eyes.

“Well, both Yuri’s are obviously forces to be reckoned with,” Victor said, smiling at Yurio and wrapping himself like an octopus around Yuuri.

“Damn right!” Yurio scoffed, skating away from the lovebirds. “You two are disgusting!”

“Yurio, that’s no way to speak to your father!” Mila shouted after him, and the entire group of skaters started laughing.

“Father? What?” JJ asked Otabek, who was obviously uncomfortable but not willing to be terribly rude.

“Oh, Yuuri and I are Yurio’s fathers!”

“NO YOU AREN’T OLD MAN!”

“Yurio, my heart~!” Victor, ever the dramatic, started to sink down on the ice.

“Victor…” Yuuri sighed, his tone exacerbated but laughing. “Stop being such a drama queen,” he said, picking Victor up.

“Yuuri! You’re mean toooo!”

“God, Victor, if I’d known this was going to be such an issue with yourself, then I would never have said anything,” Yurio said. “What? You want me to call you papa?” Yuri said, slipping into Russian. “Fine, old man… _ papa _ .”

“Yuri!” Victor cried, launching himself towards the young skater. Yurio skated away before Victor could reach him, so the older skater landed on his face. “You’re so mean to your father!”

“Yura, power pulls, go!” Yakov shouted, and Yurio grumbled but obliged.

“Otabek!” The Kazakh’s coach shouted. “Power pulls!” The Kazakh did as he was asked without any complaining. The stoic man was once again stoic.

“Yuuri, do power pulls with me!” Victor said, and soon enough all of the skaters permitted on the ice were doing power pulls while the other skaters laughed at their expense. However, when the shift came, the other coaches made them do power pulls  _ backwards _ . It was amazing for the ones that came off the ice.

“That’s what you get for being assholes!” Yurio shouted at them, but he got his ear pinched by Lilia for it.

“Yuri Plisetsky!” Lilia reprimanded as she dragged him by the ear. “Do not use ugly words!”

“Alright alright! Let me go!” He whined, causing Victor to laugh. Lilia turned and glared at him, then snapped her other hand forwards and grabbed Victor by the ear. “Haha!” Yuri laughed and then groaned when Lilia pinched him harder.

“L-Lilia…” Yakov muttered and when she glared at him, he shut his mouth. Lilia pulled Victor and Yuri away and Yuuri and Otabek were left to ponder just how terrifying Lilia was.

“Yuuri!” Phichit called, smiling at him. “Watch this!” Phichit sped up and managed to do a quad Salchow.

“Phichit, that’s incredible!” Yuuri shouted, his smile bright.

“You’re form’s sloppy!” Yurio shouted from where he was being lectured by Lilia. He got his ear pulled again, and he started to grumble vicious things only to get his ear pulled again. Victor laughed and Lilia turned her glare upon the twenty-eight year old, who covered his ears in fear.

Yuuri turned back to Phichit, staring at him in amazement. The Thai skater skated over to Yuuri, a brilliant smile on his face. “How’d you learn how to do that?”

“Ciao Ciao told me to expand my quad repertoire. So, I looked at videos of you doing the quad Salchow in competitions and how you didn’t land or landed them. And I went from there, behind Ciao Ciao’s back.”

“Phichit, get back to work or it’s more backwards power pulls instead of jumps!” Celestino called from the sidelines and Phichit gave Yuuri a look of fear before pushing off of the rink wall and skating back to the center. Yuuri watched Phichit do his jumps and was pleased with how far Phichit had come in just a few months.

“Oi, Katsudon!” Yuri’s voice called from the doorway. “Come make me food!” Lilia turned to glare at the Russian teenager, but he was out of the door before she could even move towards him. Yuuri unlaced his skates and ran out to meet with Victor. Yuri and Otabek were there as well, the teenager kicking at some loose gravel and the Kazakh whistling something.

“Yuuri!” Victor called, his hand raised. Yuuri continued to run towards them, a smile on his face. The group walked to Victor and Yuuri’s apartment where Yuuri busied himself making some sandwiches with Otabek’s help while Yuri and Victor fawned over Makkachin.

They ate, picnic-style, in the living room with Makka trying to steal some of their food. Victor snuck him stuff when he thought Yuuri wasn’t looking. “So, how are we going to do this?” Yuuri asked when everyone was more or less done.

“Do what, sweetheart?” Victor asked, wrapping his arm around the Japanese skater’s body.

“How are we going to get these robot babies and being parents…What should the rules even be!”

“Well…” Victor sang, and then everyone sat and was contemplative.

“Phichit seemed to know the website to order them off of. So why don’t we leave that to him,” Otabek spoke up first, his voice hushed.

“And I think we should work it out like this: we get the babies a day ahead of time. We name them and do cute parental shit like that, blah blah. Then, the baby should come on the next day, sometime before we normally wake up for practice.”

“Well that would have to be five or earlier because I get up every morning to go on a run with Makkachin,” Yuuri said, and Victor hummed his agreement.

“So somewhere between four and five…how delightful,” Yuri snarled, but when Otabek nudged him with a soft shoulder, Yuri sighed. “Alright. Then…a week sound good? We’ll have to figure out how to care for the monsters…” At Victor’s smug look, Yuri caught himself. “I mean we will have to figure out how to care for the  _ angels _ while also practicing. It’s only a matter of time before we have to start working on new programs for next season. We need to do this soon, otherwise Yakov will kill us.”

“Very true, Yurio!”

“Oi, old man, that’s not my name!”

“Yurio! Yurio!! Yuriooooo!!!” Yuri slammed his fist down on the coffee table and moves to do  _ something _ violent to Victor when Otabek’s hand fell on his shoulder.

“Yura, calm down,” Otabek whispered and Yuri sighed, falling into Otabek’s side.

“Beka, why is he such an idiot?” Yuri whispered as Victor stood to clean up after their picnic lunch.

“He just is, Yurio. You know that better than I do,” Yuuri said, a soft smile on his face as he stared after his fiancé. “He’s so flakey but I love him anyways.”

“Ew, yuck!” Yuri gagged, groaning as Yuuri pinched his cheeks. “Get off of me, Katsudon!” Yuuri smiled at Yurio and let go of his cheeks. “Beka, come on!” Yuri pleaded, standing up and glaring at his two rink mates. “These two lovebirds are too gross for me!” The pair leave and Yuuri and Victor are close to follow.

“Yura is such a drama queen,” Victor complained as they walked down the streets.

“You aren’t much better, Victor.”

“Yuuri!”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

The next week, after JJ and everyone else had left, the dolls arrived. “Yuuri! Look!” Victor shouted as he scurried into the rink carrying two large boxes. Otabek and Yurio stopped skating and so did Mila, Georgi, and Yuuri.

“ _ Vitya, _ stop distracting my skaters! And why aren’t you on the ice as well?”

“Yakov!” Victor whined. Victor got a scathing glare from Lilia and he startled, setting the boxes down on the benches and getting his skates on as fast as possible. “Okay, Yuuri, let’s see your Short Program run through right now!”

“Huh?” At Victor’s look, Yuuri skated to the center of the rink to begin.

“Yura, power pulls,” Yakov shouted and when Yuri gave him a confused stare, Yakov glared at him and whispered in a fierce tone that carried across the ice. “Now!” The skaters continued to practice well into the afternoon. When Yakov is finally happy with Victor’s fourth runthrough of his Free Program, the skaters were allowed to get off the ice. Victor collapsed onto the benches next to Yuuri and curled into his lap.

“ _ Vitya, _ ” Yuuri whispered, running his hand through Victor’s hair. “What’s wrong?”

“Gross!” Yuri shouted at them, grabbing one of the boxes next to the pair. “Stop being such lovesick fools!”

“Yurio, you’re just jealous that Otabek doesn’t love you the same way!” Victor didn’t register his words until he said them. Yuuri’s eyes widened and Victor just stared. “What?” Yuri clenched and unclenched his fists. Otabek had overheard that and grabbed Yuri by his shoulders, spun him around, and planted a long and passionate kiss on Yuri’s lips. When they pulled away, Yuri was a red mess and Otabek was giving Victor a challenging smirk.

“You defiled my son!” Victor wailed, bolting up to beat Otabek into a pulp when Yuuri placed a hand on Victor’s shoulder.

“Give it up,  _ Vitya _ . They’re probably having sex for all we know,” Yuuri teased, and Yuri, if possible, became an even darker shade of red. Yuri was silent as he stormed away. Otabek followed him while Victor picked up the boxes and ran after them, a silent but laughing Yuuri following.

They met at Victor and Yuuri’s apartment where Makkachin assaulted them with kisses and pounces and demands for attention. Yuuri made them katsudon (a treat that Victor was willing to let slide because they were going to need their energy for the upcoming week) and they watched as Victor beat Yuri in round after round of a fighting game and Yuri got more and more frustrated.

“That’s it!” Yuri shouted and slammed the expensive controller down on the ground. “You’re cheating! Katsudon, stop your stupid fiancé’s cheating or else!”

“Shouldn’t little kids such as yourself be going to bed sometime soon?” Victor teased and Yuri snapped, tackling Victor to the floor and wrestling with him. Otabek pulled Yuri off of Victor while Yuuri sighed and stood to get some ice from the kitchen for Victor’s swollen and slightly fat lip. It was from where Yuri elbowed him on accident as he tried to get Victor into a headlock.

Yuri had a split lip from one of Victor’s hands colliding with his face. Yuuri returned with some frozen peas for Victor’s lip and a damp cloth for Yuri’s. “Yura,” Otabek scolded as he helped Yuri wipe the blood from his lip.

“ _ Vitya _ ,” Yuuri scolded as he helped hold the frozen peas to Victor’s lip.

“You need to stop fighting!” they both said, their voices harsh. Victor pouted and ignored Yuuri’s urgings. Yuri sighed and the tension left his body, but only because it was Otabek! If it had been Katsudon…well, it probably would have worked, too, but Yuri wasn’t going to admit that to anyone.

“Can Beka and I go now?”

“Not until you unpack your darling child and name it!” Victor insisted, earning grumbles from Yuri. The pairs each grabbed a box and settled down to open them. Victor and Yuuri opened their box together to find a black baby girl with the required materials.

Yuri and Otabek opened their box to find a white baby boy with the required materials. “A boy,” Otabek whispered.

“No fair!” Yuri wailed, standing up. “I wanted the girl!”

“Oh, Yuratchka!” Victor squealed, standing up to trade. “I just knew you’d love this!”

“S-Shut up, old man!”

Yuri and Victor started squabbling again, but it wasn’t anything dangerous this time, so no one decided to interfer. “Yura,” Beka whispered, dragging Yuri’s attention to him. “What do you want to name her?”

“Clara,” Yuri whispered and Beka nodded.

“Yuuri!” Victor whined, rubbing himself all over the exasperated Japanese skater. “How about Nikolas!”

“That sound amazing,  _ Vitya _ .”

“Ew, gross. Come on Beka, we’re leaving!” The teen and the Kazakh gather their things (including their new child) and leave. Yuuri and Makkachin are in the kitchen, the poodle being fed while Yuuri cleaned up from dinner. Victor went to shower while that happened and when he came out of the adjoined bathroom, Yuuri was setting up the child so that he would be closest for when the baby would start to cy.

“You’re incredible,  _ zolotse _ ,” Victor said, kissing Yuuri’s temple. Yuuri laughed, kissing Victor’s lips before moving towards the bathroom. “I’m serious, Yuuri!” Victor whined, and Yuuri just gave him a cute look before disappearing into the bathroom. Victor crawled into bed, wondering how he got so blessed to have such a wonderful fiancé.

The pair fall asleep together, cuddling. If Yurio could see them, he would gag and threaten them with pillows, only controlled by Otabek. At four-twenty-three, a gigantic wail woke them up and Makkachin started barking, confused and disoriented. Victor whined and rolled over, shoving his head under the pillows. “Make it stop!” He complained as Yuuri sat up and yawned, reaching for the baby.

Yuuri fed it, listening as the cries stopped. Victor started to snore softly again and Makkachin had quieted down. Yuuri burped Nikolas and then sighed, putting the child down in his makeshift bed. Yuuri curled into Victor again until his alarm went of, wondering how Yuri and Otabek were doing with their lovely Clara.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“Beka, how do we shut this thing up!” Yuri shouted at the Kazakh as the baby continued to wail even after Yuri tried to feed it.

“Rock it, Yura. You aren’t hopeless!” Otabek grumbled, rolling over in bed.

“Why did I volunteer to be the first one again?”

“Beats me. I think we decided whoever makes breakfast gets second shift, and I’m making breakfast, remember?” Yuri hummed, rocking the child, whose wailing was getting softer and eventually the robotic baby cooed, enabling Yuri to set it down.  _ This is going to be a terrible week, _ Yuri thought to himself as he settled down next to Otabek again.

Yuuri had been gone for forty minutes when the baby started to cry again. Victor grumbled and sat up, yawning and reaching for the child. He had never held a baby before, so he mishandled the head and neck. But Victor changed the diaper and attempted to pick the child up again when Yuuri came into the bedroom, sweaty with a panting Makkachin on his heels. “Victor, no!” Yuuri shouted, rushing over to the Russian man. “Do you know how to pick babies up?” Victor shook his head.

“You already picked him up, didn’t you?” Victor nodded. Yuuri sighed and picked the child up correctly, showing Victor how to do it. “I think Phichit said that a mishandling would only reduce your score by 5 points, so we should be good as long as we don’t mess up any more.”

Victor nodded and picked the baby up correctly and showed Yuuri. “Yes, that will do nicely. Now, let me get the baby sling and the bag and we can go.”

“Don’t we need breakfast?” Victor yawned, allowing himself to be strapped up for the baby.

“Oh, you’re right! And Makka needs some food, too!” Yuuri hummed as he made them oatmeal and gave Makkachin some food. Yuuri placed the oatmeal on the table for them to eat and scratched Makka’s head. The child started to whine so Victor started to bounce the child and the crying stopped. They ate quickly and ran to the rink.

Yuri and Otabek entered the rink a few minutes after Yuuri and Victor had put their skates on. Yuri looked dead. Otabek didn’t look much better. Victor wanted to laugh at them but at Yuuri’s look, Victor managed to refrain. Otabek and Victor would skate first, then Yuuri and Yuri. Yakov was disgruntled at the appearance of the two children, but didn’t say anything. Until Yuri left to go to the vending machine to get a soda and Clara started to wail.

“Katsudon, shut your asshole up!” Yuri shouted, continuing to walk towards him at a lazy pace.

“It’s not mine, it’s yours!” Yuuri called back to him as the wails got louder. Yakov was getting angrier and the younger students were wondering just why Yakov put up with the older skaters.

“Yuratchka, hurry up!” Victor shouted to him, noting that Yakov started to get angrier and angrier.

Yuri rushed over and frantically started to feed and burp the child to quiet the wails. But it’s not working and the wails got louder. “Yuri Plisetsky!” Yakov shouted and Yuri winced, frantically trying to change the wailing baby’s diaper. “Hurry up and silence that baby before I make you do power pulls backwards for the next three hours!” Yuri’s legs ached just thinking about it, so he rushed to soothe the baby and the wails stopped shortly afterwards.

The two Yuris cared for their disruptive babies as the early morning practice wore on. When they broke for lunch, Yuri and Yuuri traded their babies off to their partners and moved onto the ice to warm up.

Victor put their baby in the sling so he could have his hands free to coach Yuuri properly. “No no  _ no _ , Yuuri!” Victor shouted as he tried to calm the crying baby. “You need to go into that jump with your arm raised! Not your left, your right!” Victor was getting angry glares from Yakov while Otabek smirked at him. Yuuri continued to skate his routine while Victor quieted their child.

Otabek was panicked when his baby started to cry and couldn’t figure out what to do to calm it. “Alright!” Yakov shouted, startling everyone inside the rink. “Both of you get those  _ things  _ out of here! And they are not to come back this entire week!”

“How am I going to coach Yuuri, Coach Yakov?” Victor whined and Yakov glared at him.

“I will be the coach for the week, Victor. Now get those wailing creatures out of my sight before I throw them in the garbage can!” Victor and Otabek scurry out of the rink and back to their homes while Yuuri and Yuri finish up practice. When Yuri gets home, he finds Otabek making dinner and looking even more exhausted than he did when he left the rink. “Why did we even agree to this?” Beka murmured as he served the soup while Yuri rocked the crying baby.

“I dunno,” Yuri said in response, trying desperately to avoid eye contact with Otabek.

“Oh, I remember,” Beka said, his voice teasing but a hint of an edge laying underneath it; Yuri wasn’t going to lie it was kinda  _ very _ scary. “A certain blond Russian teenager challenged a certain silver-haired Russian child-adult to a game of ‘who is a better parent’!”

Yuri rubbed the back of his neck as he sat down to eat. “Oops…?” he tried, but he just got a glare in response. “Beka-”

“Don’t ‘Beka’ me, Yuri!” Otabek said, his tone harsh.  _ Oh no _ . “I wouldn’t be so sleep deprived if you and Victor could’ve agreed to disagree! And it’s only the first day!”

“Maybe it’ll get better? And besides, Katsudon and Baldy surely have got to be having just as many issues as we are!” Otabek looked skeptical, but he could imagine that the pair would be having difficulty juggling a baby and Makkachin and themselves tonight. Perhaps it was possible for them to win, after all.

Truth be told, Yuuri and Victor weren’t doing much better than Yuri and Otabek. Victor was such an airhead that he was constantly forgetting where he put the baby and sometimes ended up having the baby wind up getting put in strange positions. It didn’t help that every time the baby would cry, Makkachin would growl and bark.

Victor and Yuuri were at each other’s throats by the end of the third day because the baby was keeping them up and they were exhausted from practice and they couldn't agree on who should take care of their child.

Beka and Yuri were at each other’s throats by the end of the second day, due to the same reasons. Yuuri and Beka blamed their partner for this situation and Victor and Yuri blamed each other for their situation. Tensions were high.

Phichit and Chris were supporting Victor and Yuuri as best as they could from across the world. Mila and Lilia offered their support to Yuri and Otabek. It wasn’t fair in the other couple’s eyes. Georgia did offer support to both couples, but everyone was so stressed that the over-emotional man ended up making it worse.

By the end of the week, the four collapsed in a pile on Victor’s expensive rug in the living room. One of the babies started to whimper. “Not me,” they all said, groaning as they sat up to find the wailing child. Yuuri rocked the crying child, no longer caring if it was his or the others because he just wanted the damn thing to shut up.

“These things turn off in an hour, don’t they?” Yuri whined, to which Victor nodded in agreement.

“Yes,” Otabek answered.

“Good. I hate these stupid things. I’ve wanted to throw it out the window for the past five days,” Victor complained.

“I wish you had. Then Beka and I would have been able to,” Yuri yawned and Victor was close to follow. “I’m just glad it’s over.”

Murmurs of agreement rose in the apartment and they all passed out after the babies cried for the last time.

After they rested for the weekend and returned the dolls, the couples forgot about their harrowing experience as competition season came closer and closer. Phichit called Yuuri at an ungodly hour of the morning (read: 6:15) on Yuuri’s day off to chatter excitedly and told him to gather the couples.

“Why?” Yuuri yawned, peeking an eye at his friend and wondered just what the Thai skater was doing calling him during practice. “And isn’t Ciao Ciao going to get angry at you?”

“Probably, but I don’t care!”

_ “Phichit Chulanont! Get back over here before I suspend your social media privileges!” _ Yuuri winced at Celestino’s angry tone. Phichit quickly said goodbye to Yuuri before hanging up. Yuuri fell back asleep, laughing at his friend and his antics.

True to his word, Yuuri gathered Yuri and Otabek in his and Victor’s kitchen later that evening. He called Phichit, who answered with an excited expression on his face. “Ready for the results of your parenting experience?” He asked, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively with a stack of papers held in his grasp.

“Sure!”

“Prepare to be defeated, Victor!”

“Hush, Yura,” Beka said, curling his arm around Yuri’s waist. He huffed and quieted down.

“Alright, Victor and Yuuri! Your results are: 82 out of 100! Very nice! You got docked because of three mishandling incidents and a few times not understanding the needs of the child.” Victor and Yuuri nodded, happy with their result.

“Alright, now I have Yuri and Otabek!” The pair shifted closer to the phone where Phichit’s face was bright on the FaceTime screen. “Uh…okay, you guys aren’t going to believe this…” Phichit said, beating around the bush. Yuri glowered at him, snapping at him to “just get on with it!” So, Phichit cleared his throat. “The score out of a hundred for Yuri and Otabek is 82. Three mishandlings and a few instances of lack of understanding or response to the child’s needs.”

“So…wait…you mean to tell me that this buffon and I got the same score…?” Yuri’s voice was shocked and just a touch hysterical. “No, I don’t believe it. I demand another chance!”

“No way in hell, Yurio. This was hell on earth. We are  _ not _ going through it again,” Victor interjected before Phichit could even begin to talk again. The teen huffed and folded his arms across his chest like a petulant child.

“Fine. We tie. At least Beka and I took better care of ourselves.” Yuuri clamped a hand over Victor’s mouth before he could challenge Yurio to another stupid game.

“Well, my job is done. Good night, my dearest Yuuri! Have fun while you’re still in town, Otabek. Don’t give Yakov too much grief Victor! And Yuri…stay your angry teenage self!” Phichit hung up before he could get his head bitten off.

“I’m so done with this shit,” Yuri mumbled to himself, stumbling to the living room to lay on the floor with Makka. Yuuri made Otabek some tea while Victor stared at his fiancé with a lovesick expression on his face.

“Yuuri…I love you. Let’s get married right now!”

“Gross, old man!” Yuri shouted from the living room.

“I don’t think that’d be a good idea,” Otabek said to Victor. “Yuri has been talking about being your best man for ages now.”

“Beka, shut up!”

Otabek smirked, some of the most expression the older couple had ever seen on the Kazakh man. He leaned closer, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I think he wants to see his dads married and happy before the end of the season.”

“Yurio! Do you want to be daddy’s best man?” Victor called, laughing.

“Shut up, Baldy! You’re sleeping on the couch, Otabek.” Beka shrugged and winked at a confused Yuuri.

“Worth it,” he said, and Victor laughed. Yuuri was still confused. “Yuuri, do you and Yura get along well?”

“Er…most of the time.”

“Do me a favor, then.”

“Yuuri isn’t going to change my mind, Beka! You’re sleeping on the couch. Period,” Yurio said from the living room, and Yuuri shrugged, handing Beka the tea he made.

“I’m sorry. Looks like my son has spoken,” Yuuri said, walking into the living room. There was no shouting of anger from Yuri. Victor and Otabek stared at each other in shock. When Yuri fell asleep, Otabek carried him to the spare bedroom. “Couch, Otabek,” Yuuri whispered as he stumbled into his own bedroom down the hall.

Otabek fell asleep on the couch, uncomfortable but pleased. Perhaps this thing competition thing between Yuri and Victor would stop now. He hoped. That was until he mentioned to Yuuri that he thought Yura’s cat was a much better animal than Victor’s dog. Then the war began anew, this time between Yuuri and Otabek.


End file.
